Why do I do this to Myself?

Top of the World?

Perhaps you are familiar with what I’m about to describe.

Sometimes, more often than not I think, a song means something completely different to an audience - something different to each individual listener -  than what it meant to the artist, or even what the lyrics suggest. Goes the same way for a painting. And literature. And art in general.

At this rate, my own interpretations of one particular song are so deeply invested that I can’t even bear to look up the full set of lyrics, due to the certain fear that this song is not actually as I perceive it to be.

The most important part of this one particular song of which I speak, though, is the chorus in which the artist repeats:

 /why do I do this to myself/

/everytime, I know the way it ends/

/before it’s even begun/

/i am the only one at the finish line/ 

And no,  even these select lyrics don’t perfectly fit my ideas. But perhaps it’s the melody and tune that do indeed make me realize a good many things.

I’ve been asked it (actually more like told it) many times before, both by well-knowns back home and new acquaintances here (and also of course, most importantly, the doubts in my mind that spin like a record on repeat, singing (not well) tunes of doubt).

You have zero friends in this new city. You’ll be all alone. 6 months!? That’s such a long time! Won’t you miss your family? The familiarity of home? 

Why would you do this to yourself?

You worked so hard for this. Applications, scholarship paperwork, travel logistics. All for what!? A miserable and lonely half year, working 40 hours a week?

Why would you do this to yourself?

Well the truth is, I know how it goes. I was well aware of what I “signed up” for.  But really, why should I not do this to myself? For the sake of comfort? Not good enough of a reason for me.

Anyway, what does a comfort zone actually have to offer other than security, comfort?

Absolutely nothing.